How is education supposed to make me feel smarter?

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."

Human contact: the final frontier. Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!

Homer no function beer well without.

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

1. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!
2. Please do not offer my god a peanut.
3. When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

• Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
• Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I was saying "Boo-urns." Please do not offer my god a peanut. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children. Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

"Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion. Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!